An Epiphany

Have you ever had one of those “epiphany” moments - one of those moments in time when all of a sudden and without any warning you are struck with a thought or a notion that seems so obvious that you are almost dumbfounded as to why you had not seen it sooner?  I think my dad used to call it “not being able to see the forest through the trees”.  I recently had one of these moments.  A moment that I realized that there IS a forest in the trees.

Twenty-nine years.     

It’s been just under twenty nine years since we first met.  Initially, your outgoing personality was more than a little intimidating to me.  Yet, it was your outgoing personality that drew me in.  Very quickly we became friends.  Good friends.  Maybe even the “best of friends”.  It was easy.  We were in high school – and were able to spend the better part of most days together.  I learned a lot from you.  You taught me how to think a little differently.  You taught me how open my mind to other possibilities.  You helped me understand that there are two sides to every story, and that my perception of how the world works is not the only perception.  Unbeknownst to you, you taught me what love is really all about – not lust, or even “romantic” love – but the deep and genuine caring about the well being of another.    

Then, we graduated.  Our lives went different directions – emotionally, physically, geographically, ideologically, and politically.  Initially I was a little worried, but as more time passed and we maintained our friendship, I was relieved.  College, significant others, weddings, births, deaths, addictions, mental health crises, crime and punishments, infidelity scare.  You name the topic, and one of us has had to deal with it at one point or another.  I have always felt as if I needed someone to talk to, I was able to share these things with you.  You have always seemed open and receptive to hearing what I have to say – and quite frankly, you have shared many of the same things with me.  I hope I have been as open and receptive to you as I feel you have been with me. 

I will be forever grateful for what your presence in my life has brought me.  Many others in my life have benefited from the gifts your friendship has brought me as well. 

Recently though, a small (almost insignificant) interaction took place that hurt me more than you (or likely even I) suspect we fully realize.   You see, your portion of this interaction initially “stung” enough for me to feel the need to look further, to dig deeper into just why it hurt so bad.  Was it me?  Was my thinking that far off base?  What would cause you to lash out at me as you did? 

Do you know what?  Over the next three days (yes, it was on my mind for that long) this REALLY caused me to look closely at our friendship.  That’s when I came to my epiphany.  I came to the realization that for the past 29 years I have over-valued our friendship.  Don’t get me wrong.  I absolutely DO value the friendship we have.  I absolutely DO value your presence in my life.  I absolutely DO NOT wish that to change.  But, I realized that I have been putting more time, more effort, and more value into our friendship than I have been getting in return - MUCH more than I have been getting in return.      

During my assessment was when just how unbalanced it is became apparent to me.  In the past 29 years, I have visited each and every home you have lived in.  I have been invited to, and have just “dropped by” each and every place you have called home.  Yet, in those same 29 years have you ever visited my home?  (And yes, there have been invites.  And yes, you have also been told you are welcome anytime.)  How many times have you called me up to see how I was holding up?  How many times have you spontaneously dropped me an email?  A phone call?  A Facebook message?  How many of our “get-togethers” have you initiated? 

I have watched you criticize my spouse’s religious beliefs (publicly), and “justified” it by applying the ideals you taught me (to consider your viewpoint and to respect your beliefs even if they are not the same as mine or my spouse’s) – yet at the same time, I must ask myself why I must do these things, and YOU can’t allow someone to share their belief without feeling the need to interject and point out where you feel they are wrong.  Conversely, ask yourself if she has ridiculed you, belittled you, or questioned you for any of YOUR ideals or beliefs? 

AGAIN, I must reiterate – I still DO, and wish to continue to maintain this friendship.  Even in imbalance, I still am a better person for having this individual be a part of my life.  The imbalance falls on ME.  I have allowed this to happen.  The imbalance is in MY mind.  It’s going to take an adjustment on MY part and in my thinking to restore the balance back within this relationship - and to see it for what it REALLY is, and not what I PERCEIVE it to be.  It’s ME that needs to put perspective on how much I value what THEY think / say about my thoughts and opinions.

Not all is as bad as it would seem here.  Within this epiphany, another valuable realization came to me.  Assessing this friendship has caused me to assess a couple of other close friendships – and I have been able to identify a specific friendship that I may take for granted a little bit - a relationship that is also a little out of balance.  Only, in this relationship I may be the one that is a little lazy on the participation end of things.